Rejected Sketches. (2 of 4)

The Nicest Man in Town

By Jake G.

Joey
Louis
Dolores
Terry

Joey is standing at a bus stop looking nervous. People are walking by rather fast.

JOEY: [randomly as people walk by] Excuse me? Hello, I-- Excuse me, do you know when-- Hi, sir?

LOUIS: Can't talk, walking.

JOEY: But you just did-- [people keep coming by] Hi, ma'am, I just want to-- Look please, I--

[louis walks by again]

JOEY: Sir, I just want to know--

LOUIS: [moves up real close] Yeah, you'd like that wouldn't you?

JOEY: Huh? Well, yeah--

LOUIS: Let me tell you something, kid, you see this briefcase?

JOEY: Yeah?

LOUIS: There's nothing in it but my hatred for you!

JOEY: What?

LOUIS: [running away] See you in hell, Batman!!

JOEY: Jeez, one day in this town and already I want out. Does anyone know the fucking bus schedule here?!

[Louis walks up to Joey in a very cheerful manner]

LOUIS: Say my boy, you must be new in town!

JOEY: Oh no, no not you, just get out of here.

LOUIS: What do you mean, chap? [rubs his head]

JOEY: Hey! Don't touch me! You just told me, like five seconds ago, that you hated me!

LOUIS: Kid, you're crazy, why everyone tells me, I'm the nicest guy in town. Like Terry here. Hey, Terry!

[Terry walks over]

TERRY: Louis!

LOUIS: Terry, tell this kid here what everyone in town calls me!

TERRY: Why, you? The nicest guy in town?!

LOUIS: The very same one! Me, you hear that kid?! ME! I AM THE NICEST GUY IN TOWN! COME ON TERRY LET'S GO BUY OURSELVES SOME PRODUCE!!!!!!

TERRY/LOUIS: PRODUCE IS AWESOME!

JOEY: Oh my god. I'm going to be so late for work. Excuse me, ma'am do you know when-- Ah dammit!

[Louis walks by again this time looking real mysterious]

JOEY: You again?

LOUIS: Me again? [gets real close] Who told you that? The mayor?! I will kill him!

JOEY: What? No! You, the nicest guy in town!

LOUIS: I ain't no nice guy.

[Dolores walks by]

DOLORES: It's true! He touches little boys! [she walks off]

LOUIS: You wanna get high? Higher than a monkey doin' lines of coke of your grandma's back?

JOEY: What?

LOUIS: I can make you soar like rocketships!

JOEY: [words = none. ducks for sale!!!]

LOUIS: Woop! Gotta go! It's time to make the Donuts!

[everyone clears except for Joey, looking horrified. A "bus" pulls up, meaning everyone sitting behind the driver making bus noises. Come on, it'll be fun!!!!! Louis is the driver. The bus stops in front of Joey]

LOUIS: Looking for a ride?

ALL: There's room for one more!

JOEY: I think I'll just walk..

[fade.......out/ pita pit]

Wow.

I don't even know what to think of this.

Via Colleen H.


Oh hey? See that postcard at the top. Wow it's nice. I mean a flower in a bag in water?!@?#$%?

What is this, Pakistan?!

Rejected Sketches. (1 of 4)

TOUCHDOWN TOMMY

By Jake G.

Tommy
Chorus

[a gaggle of girls laughing and giggle and maybe pom-pomming. Touchdown Tommy walks bye]

LUCINDA: Oh my god!

SHERRY: It’s him!

ALL: Touchdown Tommy!!!!!

[cheesy rock music.]

LYRICS:

TOUCHDOWN TOMMY GOING FOR A TOUCHDOWN
TOUCHDOWN TOMMY WEARS THE PROM KING CROWN
TOUCHDOWN TOMMY FLEX SOME MUSCLES!
TOUCHDOWN TOMMY CAN DO THE HUSTLE

[DO THE HUSTLE.]

MUDOKON: Oh, Tommy you’re so great!

TOMMY: Oh yeah!

LUCINDA: Do the touchdown Tommy dance.

TOMMY: I can’t.

ALL: Do it!

[he does a very awkward dance]

TOUCHDOWN TOMMY, HE’S THE FASTEST MAN
TOUCHDOWN TOMMY’S GOT A MASTER PLAN
TOUCHDOWN TOMMY DOES THE MESCALINE
TOUCHDOWN TOMMY CAN’T SWIM

TOMMY: I can do the backstroke!

MUDOKON: Touchdown Tommy! We don’t care if you can’t swim.

PHIL: Yeah we love you man, you score all the touchdowns!

TOMMY: And I score with all the ladies! HO! [fucking motion]

TOUCHDOWN TOMMY IS THE MAN WHO’S BEST
TOUCHDOWN TOMMY FAILED A SEX TEST
THAT MEANS THAT HES GOT BURNINGS
BUT WHAT HE’S GOT IN BURNINGS,
HE DOESN’T LOSE IN YEARNINGS!

TOMMY: Sex is radical!

LUCINDA: Tommy, do you have an STD?

TOMMY: A Super trick dick?

MUDOKON: Well, that’s okay, you still scored seven touchdowns against our arch rival, south rusterly high last week!

TOMMY: My dick can do a cartwheel!

TOUCHDOWN TOMMY ISN’T VERY BRIGHT
TOUCHDOWN TOMMY NAILS EVERY GIRL IN SIGHT
TOUCHDOWN TOMMY DOESN’T WEAR A CAPE
WATCH OUT TOMMY, THAT’S STATUTORY RAPE!

TOMMY: No means awesome!

LUCINDA: Tommy do you have relations with minors?

TOMMY: Minors got verginers!

LUCINDA: Some of them?

TOMMY: Pound it in--! Power I!! Hut-hut-HIKE!

TOUCHDOWN TOMMY WILL DIE SOON

The Big Debut

Tonight, rookie forward Sidney Crosby debuts for the Pittsburgh Penguins at the Continental Airlines arena in New Jersey. On Saturday, Cleanest River in America debuts in NYC in front of a tepid audience of barely curious looky-loos at Juvie Hall.

What do the two have in common? Both Crosby and Clean'r Dan Lief were the focus of sexual fantasies by a Canadian teen last night.

What else? All four of them would die without blood and oxygen.

Even wierder? None of them buy non-Free Trade coffee.

SPEAKING OF COFFEE, this just in: Cleanest River in America has struck a deal with my closet to auction off an unused, still-in-the-box COFFEE MAKER!!! The raffle will be free to enter and all proceeds go to the Resurect Hitler fund. Get it! So he won't get anything! Take that you Nazi shithead!

So show your non-support for the biological recreation of a historical monster by coming to the show this Saturday and participating in a free raffle.

And..... break.

Rancid Milk

So let's say we we plant a head of romaine lettuce in that Frank Sinatra park in Hoboken. And let's say we water the ground around the plant every day, and we feed the ground lots and lots of calcium tablets--for strong bones and stuff. Now let's suppose the plant started to grow up out of the ground a little bit...just a smidge. And then let's say we used mirrors and physics to make sure the tiny little plant got plenty of sunlight every single day. Let's say the plant grew and grew and grew. First to size the of a head of romaine lettuce, then to the size of a space shuttle, and finally to the size of three space shuttles--three space shuttles worth of fresh romaine lettuce! Heaven!

So the question is: would that giant romaine lettuce plant be allowed to thrive on, or would people come from miles around to strip the plant to fulfill their own nasty desires?

I think the plant would flourish. No one would touch it for centuries. And eventually that romaine lettuce would grow so large everyone on Earth would suffocate.

That's why I don't eat caesar salads. Cause romaine is fucking dangerous, man.

Oh man, Blog?!

Yeah right! Like I'd write in a blog! AS IF!

Who am I? Charles in Charge?????

Well, anyhow--here is the first thing. Or maybe not. I don't really know how to work this. We had our first sketch show this past Friday at Boston's Improv Asylum. They were nice people. Good show with another and very Portuguese group, "Out of the Gutter," from Fall River, MA. You be quiet and listen to me!

Our big-time Lemon-meringue NYC debut is this Saturday OCTOBER 8th at 8PM. It's at Juvie Hall which is Bond St. between Lafayette and Bowery. It's hip and village-chic-like. We'll be performing with our friends in sketch, Olde English. Yeah!

Should be a good time for five bucks and probably cheap PBR. And maybe Zebra cakes. If you're lucky. So come on out and check the postcard up top. Crispy Peaches!

Email: cleanest.river@gmail.com
Juvie Hall: http://www.juviehall.com


-Jim McKenna

New York City Shows

We have a show for the next two saturdays at Juvie Hall. We are coupled with Bard Superstars Olde English. Beer will be served. Stay tuned for more details.

8 p.m. on the 8th and 15th.

Come see what my mom will eventually say is, "A really good effort."