Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The ham sketch

[Wiley and Steve standing in front of a table in a large kitchen]

Wiley: Steven!

Steve: Sir, please. It's Steve.

Wiley: Steven. Bring me...

Steve: You know the rules, sir.

Wiley: Bring me...the ham!

Steve: I can't, sir. I'm here to supervise you until social time is over and you go back to your furnished hole.

Wiley: The ham! Immediately!

Steve: Um. [takes receipt out of his pocket] Here, this is your ham.

Wiley: The ham!

Steve: Yep, there it is.

Wiley: THE HAM!! [jumps up onto table]

Steve: Sir, please.

Wiley: So delish!

Steve: Like delicious? Seriously, get down, sir.

Wiley: DELISH! DELISH! [jumps up and down]

Steve: I'm telling you. Settle down or it's back to the furnished hole.

Wiley: [Kicks Steve in head] I need a broth!

Steve: Ow! Get down! Now!

Wiley: A broth to cook the ham in. The senator will be so pleased!

Steve: You don't know any senator, sir. Now, listen, social time is over!

Wiley: I have my ham! I have my senator!

Steve: Jesus Christ. [gets on table to pull him down]

Wiley: Ah! I'm never going back to the hole!

Steve: Quiet!

Wiley: Ham! Ham, help me!

[The receipt transforms into a large ham, 8 feet wide, wearing sun glasses]

Ham: Get away from him, Steven.

Steve: Holy fuck!

Ham: Don't make me call the senator!

Steve: Uh...uh... [gets off table]

Ham: Now bring us a broth...a chicken broth.

Wiley: [Giggles]

Steve: I'm...I'm out of here. [turns and runs]

Wiley: Ham, you're a good friend.

Ham: I'm just a ham, sir. Just a ham.

[Lights fade to black, picture of the first Dream Team appears on a screen behind stage. Isiah Thomas winks, and the picture fades away.]