Thursday, October 12, 2006


That's right, feelings no one's ever experienced before...unveiled here first! Wow! HOO-AH! Get ready to laugh, cry and punch a female Indian all at the same time cause your bodies are not gonna know HOW to react to these internal feelings.

This is what you'll feel when a bike messenger comes into your place of work, stands on top of a computer bay and begins telling a chilling story about nearly drowning as a child. Trust us, bike messengers are gonna start doing this ALL THE FUCKING TIME as office workers get sick of internet videos and start looking for new ways to entertain themselves (in another move to stave off boredom, white-collar workers will also start bringing live chickens into work with them). On the one hand, you'll want to ignore that lowly bike messenger--because he spends all day on a bike and doesn't have a sweet wireless mouse like you. But then you'll see a little of yourself in the persona of this modern-day carrier pigeon--his passion for childhood, his rope belt, his green eyes that sparkle beneath the flourescent lighting--and you'll want to get closer to him, maybe nibble on his finger tip, perhaps read him that poetry you wrote and then saved in a virtual cabinet on Groupwise. But NO, you'll realize. You have no right getting so close to such a glorious man among men, for he's a free-spirited wonderchild who buzzes around city blocks all day under a bright blue sky while and you...well, you're nothing but a button pusher, an ant who knows nothing beyond his hill, a lifeform that's drowning in a deep sea of high-speed internet and ID cards and boring carpet and Gmail chat. DAMMIT GMAIL CHAT, you'll scream. STOP BEING SO ALLURING! STOP IMPREGENATING MY SISTER!!! STOP! STOP! STOP!

oh, you'll cry and cry and cry. and when the bike messenger finishes his sotry and climbs down the computer bay, you'll quietly stick a note in his satchel. it will say this: I USED TO RIDE A BIKE, TOO. FO REAL, FOOL.

then you'll shut down your computer, head into the rest room and slowly drown yourself in a sink.