Angry Swimming Pool

Announcer: Look out, fool! It's got no shallow end and contains way more than the recommended amount of chlorine. Its diving board is made outta blood-soaked wind turbines. And it never smiles. It's the ANGRY SWIMMING POOL!

Boy with no shirt on: But I just want to throw in those weighted colored rings and dive after them.

Announcer: Then you'd better go somewhere else. The ANGRY SWIMMING POOL will suck in those rings, turn them into organized religion and then use that religion to promote centuries of faith-based conflict and turmoil. My God, how angry is that?!

Boy with no shirt on: That's pretty angry. I'm getting out of here.

Announcer: Yeah! The ANGRY SWIMMING POOL sends you packing. Always does. Always will.

The Angry Swimming Pool: Glug glug.

Announcer: Ha! He's pissed off now!

Big ups

To who? Well first and foremost I want to give a big ups to Deoxyribonucleic Acid for making all this shit possible. Without Deoxyribonucleic Acid we wouldn't be here today. You gots to give it all up to Deoxyribonucleic Acid.

As far as the New Year's Show went, one might think that the lack of mention on this page would signify that it "didn't go well" or that everyone's "ashamed of themselves." Well all of those rumors couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, I would like to thank on a very personal level (3 of the 5 members of) Slightly Known People and the super foxy duo of Walker and Cantrell for making this New Year's Eve more fun than getting high five’d 17 times at once.

Now that we are on the subject, here are answers to some other rumors-

• One of the group members (Dan), has had ribs removed so he can suck his own [self]

This one started about 15 years ago and is absolutely not true. Dan had a legal, medical procedure to remove his 4th and 5th ribs so he could finally tackle the 21 oz. Prime Rib at Outback Steakhouse.

• All three members of Cleanest River are Korean

Again, I am going to have to put the kibosh on this one too. None of the members have even petitioned for reinstatement for since July

• Justin can't legally open his left eye when he's drunk

You tell me.



• Floppy disks were run out of the personal computing market because of legislation pasted in 1997 thanks to special interests in the silicon industry

Actually, regular innovation in the competitive field of personal data storage is what drove to common floppy disk to extinction. Also, Jake can't whistle.

Thanks for playing.

Rockabye

Honey, I think it's time for lamaze class...