Thursday, March 15, 2007

What would you do?

Think you know how to act in a business environment? Well, let's put your office-park IQ to the test. Read the following situation that OBVIOUSLY happens ALL THE TIME in corporate America and then read the possible courses of action you could take and then decide which one is right and then read further to see what you SHOULD do. If you choose the wrong response, you have to hang yourself in the nearest conference room. Seriously! Those are the rules. Okay...

Situation 1:
The chief mustard officer at your company is retiring so all the employees are invited to go out to a nearby recycling plant that evening so that you can all take turns dumping newspaper and cans on his forehead. But you already have post-work plans: You're supposed to kill six members of the San Antonio Spurs as they exit their team bus in Houston. What do you tell your supervisor (who reaaaaally wants you to go to the recycling plant so he can eat out your asshole)?

a) Tell your supervisor you can't go, but buy him a gecko with a huge butt so he can still lick shit off something.

b) Go to the recycling plant and pretend to enjoy yourself despite the fact that as you sit there tossing garbage at a mustard-department exec, six San Antonio Spurs are not being killed in any way.

c) Hack into the brain of the San Antontio Spurs' bus driver so that he unloads the team at the recycling plant instead of in Houston. When those six players get off the bus, unleash a gaggle of razorblad geese (geese that are born with razorblades on their feet, mouth and tailfeathers) and watch as they systematically destroy those basketball phenoms. When the geese fly off to battle the ghost of Waler Cronkite, collect the remains of the Spurs players and toss them at the mustard exec as your co-workers cheer and you asshole gets tongued.

Correct answer: X = 456.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Suck my clock

So this computer I'm using. It didn't change with daylight savings time...because daylight savings time got all pushed forward to stop global warming and save Darfur and help Americans cut down on caramel and stuff. So anyway, since the clock didn't change itself, I tried to move it forward on my own by doing some shifty double and single clicking on strategically placed icons. And I got the time correctly adjusted. However, just seconds later the computer went ahead AND CHANGED IT BACK. At first I scoffed and adjusted the time again, but the computer changed it back again. I tried again. It changed it again. Eventually I was told I would have to reboot to get the time to stay and I did so and that worked, but I think there's more going on than a simple software mishap. That is, the war with machines is under way, and we are facing an enemy we can't possibly defeat.

See, this computer knew what it was doing. I felt its hatred for me each time it changed the clock back to the wrong time. And yeah, I eventually got the situation resolved in my favor, but still this computer knows that whenever it's feeling up to it can change some numbers around. Turn 5:15 into 6:15. Make an AM into a PM. Make EST STD. And it knows that doing this will make me loopy as a lumberjack. I mean, what really do we have if we lose control of time? If I can't say for certain what time it is right now, at this exact moment, I can't say for certain what day it is, or what week it is, or what year it is. Even thinking about this makes a sliver of doubt drift into my head and it's whispering to me, softly but clearly...and with an Indian accent. It's saying: "You know, bad boy, it could be 1847 and there's nothing you can do about it." What if it is 1847? What if we're supposed to be wearing spurs and mining for copper and violently pushing our way through cliche saloon doors? What if I'm the sheriff and you're Billy the Kid? What if the Old West is new and YouTube is a ghost town? HOLY QUANTUM LEAP!

See, this is how the machines will fight us. Timekeeping is their version of a suicide bomber. We have all the mental and creative artillery, but they have this one weapon that we have no surefire we of stopping. Actually, maybe it's more of a nuclear weapon...because it can destroy us swiftly and completely. Maybe I should stop making military metaphors and build a sun dial. AHHA! That's it! Stop reading this now, and figure out alternate ways of timekeeping. Sun dials. Hourglasses. The counting of sunrises. There you go. You can't stop me now computer. You can't stop me now.