Thursday, December 08, 2005

Now just press the button...

(inner monolouge: Fuck, did I tell him to watch out for the head room? He always leaves too much head room. Why is he walking around me?)

Hey, Steve, just stay in front of me okay? And watch out for the hea...



Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Lemon Phil

Jesus, Justin are you vying for blogger of the month? Go steam a pack of rice already.

Here's a picture of us hating life / before the Brandeis comedy fest. I love how small they wrote our name...

You start that, you start that right now

Start what?

Well the Cleanest River crew has a show at Juvie Hall next Saturday (December 18th at 10 p.m.) and since we are still parsing through the content, I decided to solicit suggestions for names without consulting the other two members of the group. So go ahead, in the comments section give us your best idea for what the show should be called.

Bare in mind the following:

-We don't know who is going to split the show with us
-It will take place on a Saturday
-This will most likely be our last show at Juvie Hall since it's going under soon
-I've never been more attracted to you then I am right now

Also, here is a roundup of rumors that I found on all the Cleanest River in America fan message boards:

-"My friend ran into Dan at a bar last week and he said that Dan said the whole group is in final negotiations to do a spin-off Roots miniseries for Oxygen." DanFan234
-"My mom is working on the set designs for the new Juvie Hall show and she said that Dan is going to stand on top of an alligator and make a 10-foot sky hook to signify intermission." Mommazboi23
-"Did you know that one time, while he was playing for the Spirits of Saint Louis, Marvin Barnes wrote a poem about Dr. J to taunt him?" Justin Young
-"My friend Dan is in the group and he said that Justin can't shut up about the ABA since he read a stupid book about it." Jake Goldman

That will be all.

Well, C'mon Now

I'm so sickkkkk of people trespassing. Trespassing is a disgusting, morally-reprehensible act that has GOT to stop. It's not your property, asshole!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Okay Dragon Man.

Yes, what Justin said.

I enjoyed Brandeis myself and here are my top five moments:

5. "One Two Step" by Ciara goes platinum.
4. Blind man invents wood.
3. Bread is fun.
2. Notorious B.I.G., R.I.P.
1. When you always smile at me.

Yep. Those sure are mine.

(But seriously, other groups you rocked. Let's do a show together sometime. Hugs / stars)

In an un-related note, Cleanest River member Dan Leif, was working for an environmental agency last week as one of those street-canvas-ers. Basically, you stop people in the street and ask them for money. So he had some run-ins which I will detail here:

#1: A man begins walking towards Leif. Leif begins his speech and then realizes that--not only is this person a real, live man but he is also Jerry Seinfeld. Instead of continuing his speech and trying to milk some cash out of a millionaire comic, these are the words that come out of Danno's mouth:

Dan: "Oh my God it's Jerry Seinfeld."

Jerry Seinfeld promptly makes a nice swim move around Dan without saying a word.

#2: The very next day Leif is down in Union Sq, probably in a rain coat. Another dude starts walking up to him and Leif again begins his speech. This time he realizes it's again--a male and also Jimmy Fallon. But Leif does not crack this time. He gets Fallon in his sight and manages to get forty-american-dollars out of the dude who always laughed during every SNL sketch ever. Feeling confident and good, Leif decides to break the fourth wall of environmental canvasing and gets personal. He clears his throat and says to Jimmy:

"You're Jimmy Kimmel, right?"

Oh Dan Leif. You are so good.

Jim McKenna

Monday, December 05, 2005

Top Five List

Cousin Maroon in the house, watcha gonna do?

Aight, we was all up in Brandeis' shit this weekend and let me tell you what, that Woody Allen was full of shit. He said that 90% of Jewish girls are pretty and that the rest go to Brandeis. Well I will have you know, there are some fly Jewish bitches in that piece, sure maybe they aren't all Asians that your then-wife adopted Woody, but I think that that dress is very flattering on them. Black brings out their eyes.

Anyhow, the show went well and I decided to make a top five list of my favorite moments:

5- The sub I ate at Cappy's. It was Italian (what else!>!?!?!!?) and had salami on it. No one else in the group eats meat, so I am contractually obligated to consume 3 lbs. more than I normally would each day. Fuck you PETA.

4- We're professional now. We don't go to college and sometimes we get paid. Whoo hoo. In a sub-list here are three other "professions" that are cooler than semi-pro sketch comedian

-Stripper's boyfriend
-NASCAR historian

3- Other groups. Holy shit, these kids can move it (move it). Vassar’s No Offense was good. Boston University did this shit with Moses talking to God on Mount Sinai but God was like your old grandpa who is kind of cool but still a little doddering. OM f'n G I cried with pleasure. Of course, the Skits-o-phrenics (Cornell) were hilarious and very similar to NYC superfuckingstars Elephant Larry, I am still wondering why*. Our gracious hosts Boris' Kitchen also cooked up some tasty treats, and gay jokes, but mostly treats. But my favorite group of the night was...

2- Penguins Without Pants. If Stevie Wonder's song "You Are the Sunshine of my Life" was a sketch comedy group that I used to be in, they would be Penguins Without Pants. Those kids are like Doc Gooden before the coke. So Joel, Kara, Matt, Spencer, Chris and Megan, this one's for you (Justin drinks fourteen shots of grain alcohol). One = fourteen now. Do the math.

1- The night did have its bittersweet moments however since it was America's Favorite Lady Comic Actor Jessica Stickles final collegiate performance. She is like awesome, she is like if Hitler used his powers for good and not evil, but with comedy. If Stickles was an ABA player, she would be Marvin Barnes. Will the world ever see the likes of Stick-Stick again? Insider sources tell me... developing.

Hon. Ment: We happened to miss our like best friends in the whole wide world Olde English who were the "pro" group the first night but had to leave right after that. See they really are professional, they will be doing a show at the PIT and have "fans" that "pay" to "see them." They helped us get this gig in Boston and apparently were talking us up on Friday. They said we were "smart comedy," so I said the word faggot really loud on stage just to take us down a peg.

Also, I want to give a big "Bow Wow Wow" to Off Off Campus from Chicago University. We might hang out with them when we are up in the Chi next month and they were really cool folks. And their ladies were foxy. As in good looking, not black like Foxy Brown the movie character. Or the rapper. Well, maybe more like the rapper. I'll shut up now.

- Justin Robert Young-Anzalone-Olivares

*I am not really, I know why. EL came from that group, or something.