Top Five List

Cousin Maroon in the house, watcha gonna do?

Aight, we was all up in Brandeis' shit this weekend and let me tell you what, that Woody Allen was full of shit. He said that 90% of Jewish girls are pretty and that the rest go to Brandeis. Well I will have you know, there are some fly Jewish bitches in that piece, sure maybe they aren't all Asians that your then-wife adopted Woody, but I think that that dress is very flattering on them. Black brings out their eyes.

Anyhow, the show went well and I decided to make a top five list of my favorite moments:

5- The sub I ate at Cappy's. It was Italian (what else!>!?!?!!?) and had salami on it. No one else in the group eats meat, so I am contractually obligated to consume 3 lbs. more than I normally would each day. Fuck you PETA.

4- We're professional now. We don't go to college and sometimes we get paid. Whoo hoo. In a sub-list here are three other "professions" that are cooler than semi-pro sketch comedian

-Stripper
-Stripper's boyfriend
-NASCAR historian

3- Other groups. Holy shit, these kids can move it (move it). Vassar’s No Offense was good. Boston University did this shit with Moses talking to God on Mount Sinai but God was like your old grandpa who is kind of cool but still a little doddering. OM f'n G I cried with pleasure. Of course, the Skits-o-phrenics (Cornell) were hilarious and very similar to NYC superfuckingstars Elephant Larry, I am still wondering why*. Our gracious hosts Boris' Kitchen also cooked up some tasty treats, and gay jokes, but mostly treats. But my favorite group of the night was...

2- Penguins Without Pants. If Stevie Wonder's song "You Are the Sunshine of my Life" was a sketch comedy group that I used to be in, they would be Penguins Without Pants. Those kids are like Doc Gooden before the coke. So Joel, Kara, Matt, Spencer, Chris and Megan, this one's for you (Justin drinks fourteen shots of grain alcohol). One = fourteen now. Do the math.

1- The night did have its bittersweet moments however since it was America's Favorite Lady Comic Actor Jessica Stickles final collegiate performance. She is like awesome, she is like if Hitler used his powers for good and not evil, but with comedy. If Stickles was an ABA player, she would be Marvin Barnes. Will the world ever see the likes of Stick-Stick again? Insider sources tell me... developing.


Hon. Ment: We happened to miss our like best friends in the whole wide world Olde English who were the "pro" group the first night but had to leave right after that. See they really are professional, they will be doing a show at the PIT and have "fans" that "pay" to "see them." They helped us get this gig in Boston and apparently were talking us up on Friday. They said we were "smart comedy," so I said the word faggot really loud on stage just to take us down a peg.

Also, I want to give a big "Bow Wow Wow" to Off Off Campus from Chicago University. We might hang out with them when we are up in the Chi next month and they were really cool folks. And their ladies were foxy. As in good looking, not black like Foxy Brown the movie character. Or the rapper. Well, maybe more like the rapper. I'll shut up now.

- Justin Robert Young-Anzalone-Olivares



*I am not really, I know why. EL came from that group, or something.