Oh, so now you call?

Did you know I have been worried sick about you?

(correct answer: Yes)

Really, you have no idea what it's like to be a parent! Do you know how old I was when I had you?

(correct answer: 17)

That's right, and I got kicked out of your grandparent's house because of it. Life isn't a movie you know, we all can't make pop culture references and own a bed and breakfast now can we?

(correct answer: Okay, I get it, I'll erase Gilmore Girls from the DVR. At least I'm not watching One Tree Hill)

And another thing, I was watching your jeans today and guess what I found?

(incorrect answer: the second triforce
incorrect answer: Maureen Dowd
correct answer: a five dollar bill)

Exactly, and now I am going to keep it. Consider it, "You ruined my life" tax. Did you know I was dating Julius Erving before your father got me pregnant. Things would have worked out to, if it wasn't for...

(correct answer: your apparent need to fuck night shifters at the Coconut Creek Dairy Queen)

Yeah, like your Mr. Perfect now. I'm your mother.

(incorrect answer: No, you're not.
correct answer: I am going to go to bed Mom.
unspoken subtext: So I can make kissy face with my television screen while Veronica Mars is on.