I'm a grant writer now!

Dear local/state/national government,

Cleanest River in America, one of Bethlehem's premier cultural institutions, gratefully requests 75 billion dollars in supplemental funding for the remainder of 2005. This money would be in addition to the 600 billion dollar grant we applied for in August and which we assume is still stuck somewhere in the "pending" process. Also, we'll be asking for more in January.

In the past, you've denied a number of financial requests, typically explaining in your rejection letters that our institution has no real "societal worth" and that our grant proposals tend to be "full of misspellings" and "profanity." That's fucking abserd.

The proof is in the pooding, local/state/national government. You have lots and lots and lots of dollah dollah bills. We visited your money-making factory in Denver just a year ago, and dollah dollah bills were flying out of machines and being placed in boxes. We have pictures of this process, local/state/national government. You told us not to bring in cameras, but we got sneaky. We're sneaky as balls (you best not count that as profanity). Yeah, so give us some dong (that's another way of saying dolla dollah bills).

The money you give us will be used for all the following purposes:
-construction of a coal-mine-themed merry-go-round
-purchase of fully functional archery field
-hiring of experienced saboteur (he's in his mid 50s and said he can help us sabatoge anything...even the local/state/national government grant program, so watch the fuck out).
-a decent table

Very good. Don't give us any more of your atitood, local/state/national government. We need more dong. Give it to us. Nowish. Please.

Cleanest River in America