Saturday, November 12, 2005

Show! This very evening!


We're at Rififi (11th St. between first and second aves) tonight at 8:00. Five American dong dollahs, and you get an hour of pure, European-style making out (half hour with us, then a half hour with our homies Slightly Known People).

Norman Mailer says: "Go see this damn shit."

Friday, November 11, 2005

I'm Sorry

Look I didn't mean that.

Sometimes I get angry and passionate and say things I don't want to. Things just come out and--baby. Baby please. No I don't want to see tears. That just makes me--Girl I'll hit you. No. No, I'm sorry I won't. It's just--these pills aren't working. And when the pills don't work, you have to work overtime. Know what I mean? Come here. No, c'mere. Just for a--I understand.

Put down that shovel baby. Put it down! No--no, you're going to hurt our child. Oh? Oh, that's very funny. Yeah, no--it's very funny that you would call our son a "troll." Oh, a troll like me? Yeah even better. Degrate me too. Now I am actually going to hit you. Yes that is my hand raising. Well then put down that shovel. I'll start counting.


Good. You put it down. NO! Put down the hammer! Put it--don't! Shit! You just threw a hammer. Well this isn't the olympics honey. I don't care--do you know how to fix a hole? No, I don't. Yeah well let me let you in on something: not all men are these handy carpenters that you make them out to be. Oh that's very nice. Yeah. Now I'm gay. You really come to some great conclusions. Especially this one--that I'm gay. Yeah it all makes sense, thanks Mabel.

Yes I called you Mabel. Why? Because I know you hate your real name. Put down my mace. Put it down--that is a prop. Yes. Well I was in a medievel play. I don't know some kind of knight. Yes I slayed a dragon--oh very funny. I also slay "fagons" yes. That's hillarious do you realize none of that makes sense. Yes I know it's a joke and it's not funny. Fuck you Mabel.

No, I'm out. Well you take care of him. He's a troll isn't he? He is. He's a troll. Go feed him oats. You're a--die.

Jim McKenna

Hey You!

I think you should shit on yourself and die!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

I'm a grant writer now!

Dear local/state/national government,

Cleanest River in America, one of Bethlehem's premier cultural institutions, gratefully requests 75 billion dollars in supplemental funding for the remainder of 2005. This money would be in addition to the 600 billion dollar grant we applied for in August and which we assume is still stuck somewhere in the "pending" process. Also, we'll be asking for more in January.

In the past, you've denied a number of financial requests, typically explaining in your rejection letters that our institution has no real "societal worth" and that our grant proposals tend to be "full of misspellings" and "profanity." That's fucking abserd.

The proof is in the pooding, local/state/national government. You have lots and lots and lots of dollah dollah bills. We visited your money-making factory in Denver just a year ago, and dollah dollah bills were flying out of machines and being placed in boxes. We have pictures of this process, local/state/national government. You told us not to bring in cameras, but we got sneaky. We're sneaky as balls (you best not count that as profanity). Yeah, so give us some dong (that's another way of saying dolla dollah bills).

The money you give us will be used for all the following purposes:
-construction of a coal-mine-themed merry-go-round
-purchase of fully functional archery field
-hiring of experienced saboteur (he's in his mid 50s and said he can help us sabatoge anything...even the local/state/national government grant program, so watch the fuck out).
-a decent table

Very good. Don't give us any more of your atitood, local/state/national government. We need more dong. Give it to us. Nowish. Please.

Cleanest River in America



Back in New York City. Free Nerf guns for anyone who comes this weekend!

We've been invited to do a show with our pals Slightly Known People this Saturday at their hangout RiFiFi. Yes. The F's are capitalized. Why? Because you assholes let Bloomberg get re-elected. The thing is--I don't care. I think mayors are stupid. I'm the mayor of you. Did you know that?

But seriously--do you want a free nerf gun on saturday? Come to this show! It starts at 8pm and it's fiver boner-onas. I heard a rumor that SKP gives out free booze at some point. They're sponsored by gin and wild-turkey. I would like to know how this is possible. We are sponsored by Leif's erection.

So here's the details:

Cleanest River in America joins SLIGHTLY KNOWN PEOPLE!
Saturday November 12th, 8PM
RiFiFi NYC. Web:
Address: 332 E 11th St. btwn 1st ave and 2nd ave.
Directions: Take any NRQW or 4,5,6 to Union sq and then fucking walk lazy.

Okay? Jesus Christ already.

Jim McKenna.



Tuesday, November 08, 2005


Hey gang(s)!

We posted on Craig's list and already got a pretty good response--but I thought I would drop a note here too...we're looking for a "tech director" meaning someone to run our lights and sound and help us with light and sound design. We've got a bunch of emails from people interested and we'll pretty much interview anyone who has any sort of interest. So send an email to: if you have any desire to do work like this. Someday we will pay you. In wire. (actually pretty soon hopefully we can pay you although I wouldn't quit your day job. Ever. You need that thing.)

Hey shut up!

Look at this brand new AWESOME SITE: Jake Goldman can run faster than you.


Monday, November 07, 2005


Listen to all this whining...

"Wah wah, I have cankersores..."

"Wah wah, I am inhaling too much gas..."

"Wah wah, these wounds just won't heal..."

Hey America, get off your knees and wipe your faces. Jesus.


Cleanest River in America will be performing THIS SATURDAY @ 8PM. 5 bucks and I heard the other group we perform with gives away booze like monte-cristo sandwiches.

Cleanest River in America guests of SLIGHTLY KNOWN PEOPLE at their weekly show "Slightly Known People is seeing Other People." Us! For a half hour! Tits!

RiFiFi--It's some kind of bar/lounge. And it is--332 E. 11th St. (btwn. 1st and 2nd.) in NEW YORK CITY. OH MAN. NOT SEATTLE.


Jim McKenna.

Unbearable Suffering

If these canker sours aren't gone by tomorrow, I'm killing myself.