Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Things That Should Exist On Public Busses

-Reading material...preferably Roald Dahl books.

-Friends: You know, people who are paid to sit next to you and give you sticks of gum if you haven't brushed your teeth.

-Sticks of gum.

-Chess sets. And the pieces should be magnetically attached to the game board so they won't fall off when bus turns, jolts or stops quickly. Also, seats should swivel so riders can spin around and play chess with people behind them. There should also be two or three crazy guys with long gray beards who can beat the christ outta anyone in chess at any time. After they beat you, they should howl and scream out obscure Henry Miller quotes.

-Public safety representatives who carry wooden poles and whack the crazy chess guys if they get too saucy.

-A bear. It would just sit in the back with a copy of "James and the Giant Peach" on his lap. The bear should be friendly--maybe a little depressed--and he should wear a tie. But everyone should be afraid of him anyway.

-Another smaller, of course, than the main bus. Maybe it could be attached to the roof somehow. And if the main bus crashes into a lake, stream or other body of water, everyone can climb through a trap door into the backup. The backup bus should be able to fly.

-Jello. Shitloads of Jello.

-A driver, who wears a multicolored clown wig and plays an endless stream of Credence Clearwater and Elton John. When you want to get off, you yell "Stop, please." And he gets on the intercom and screams, "Stop? Why this party's just gettin staaaaaarted!" Then he drives into the ocean and the chess guys laugh uncontrollably.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Get your laser-gun-cock out of my ass.

It's very painful.