Monday, March 12, 2007

Suck my clock

So this computer I'm using. It didn't change with daylight savings time...because daylight savings time got all pushed forward to stop global warming and save Darfur and help Americans cut down on caramel and stuff. So anyway, since the clock didn't change itself, I tried to move it forward on my own by doing some shifty double and single clicking on strategically placed icons. And I got the time correctly adjusted. However, just seconds later the computer went ahead AND CHANGED IT BACK. At first I scoffed and adjusted the time again, but the computer changed it back again. I tried again. It changed it again. Eventually I was told I would have to reboot to get the time to stay and I did so and that worked, but I think there's more going on than a simple software mishap. That is, the war with machines is under way, and we are facing an enemy we can't possibly defeat.

See, this computer knew what it was doing. I felt its hatred for me each time it changed the clock back to the wrong time. And yeah, I eventually got the situation resolved in my favor, but still this computer knows that whenever it's feeling up to it can change some numbers around. Turn 5:15 into 6:15. Make an AM into a PM. Make EST STD. And it knows that doing this will make me loopy as a lumberjack. I mean, what really do we have if we lose control of time? If I can't say for certain what time it is right now, at this exact moment, I can't say for certain what day it is, or what week it is, or what year it is. Even thinking about this makes a sliver of doubt drift into my head and it's whispering to me, softly but clearly...and with an Indian accent. It's saying: "You know, bad boy, it could be 1847 and there's nothing you can do about it." What if it is 1847? What if we're supposed to be wearing spurs and mining for copper and violently pushing our way through cliche saloon doors? What if I'm the sheriff and you're Billy the Kid? What if the Old West is new and YouTube is a ghost town? HOLY QUANTUM LEAP!

See, this is how the machines will fight us. Timekeeping is their version of a suicide bomber. We have all the mental and creative artillery, but they have this one weapon that we have no surefire we of stopping. Actually, maybe it's more of a nuclear weapon...because it can destroy us swiftly and completely. Maybe I should stop making military metaphors and build a sun dial. AHHA! That's it! Stop reading this now, and figure out alternate ways of timekeeping. Sun dials. Hourglasses. The counting of sunrises. There you go. You can't stop me now computer. You can't stop me now.


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