Rejected Sketches. (1 of 4)

TOUCHDOWN TOMMY

By Jake G.

Tommy
Chorus

[a gaggle of girls laughing and giggle and maybe pom-pomming. Touchdown Tommy walks bye]

LUCINDA: Oh my god!

SHERRY: It’s him!

ALL: Touchdown Tommy!!!!!

[cheesy rock music.]

LYRICS:

TOUCHDOWN TOMMY GOING FOR A TOUCHDOWN
TOUCHDOWN TOMMY WEARS THE PROM KING CROWN
TOUCHDOWN TOMMY FLEX SOME MUSCLES!
TOUCHDOWN TOMMY CAN DO THE HUSTLE

[DO THE HUSTLE.]

MUDOKON: Oh, Tommy you’re so great!

TOMMY: Oh yeah!

LUCINDA: Do the touchdown Tommy dance.

TOMMY: I can’t.

ALL: Do it!

[he does a very awkward dance]

TOUCHDOWN TOMMY, HE’S THE FASTEST MAN
TOUCHDOWN TOMMY’S GOT A MASTER PLAN
TOUCHDOWN TOMMY DOES THE MESCALINE
TOUCHDOWN TOMMY CAN’T SWIM

TOMMY: I can do the backstroke!

MUDOKON: Touchdown Tommy! We don’t care if you can’t swim.

PHIL: Yeah we love you man, you score all the touchdowns!

TOMMY: And I score with all the ladies! HO! [fucking motion]

TOUCHDOWN TOMMY IS THE MAN WHO’S BEST
TOUCHDOWN TOMMY FAILED A SEX TEST
THAT MEANS THAT HES GOT BURNINGS
BUT WHAT HE’S GOT IN BURNINGS,
HE DOESN’T LOSE IN YEARNINGS!

TOMMY: Sex is radical!

LUCINDA: Tommy, do you have an STD?

TOMMY: A Super trick dick?

MUDOKON: Well, that’s okay, you still scored seven touchdowns against our arch rival, south rusterly high last week!

TOMMY: My dick can do a cartwheel!

TOUCHDOWN TOMMY ISN’T VERY BRIGHT
TOUCHDOWN TOMMY NAILS EVERY GIRL IN SIGHT
TOUCHDOWN TOMMY DOESN’T WEAR A CAPE
WATCH OUT TOMMY, THAT’S STATUTORY RAPE!

TOMMY: No means awesome!

LUCINDA: Tommy do you have relations with minors?

TOMMY: Minors got verginers!

LUCINDA: Some of them?

TOMMY: Pound it in--! Power I!! Hut-hut-HIKE!

TOUCHDOWN TOMMY WILL DIE SOON